Wednesday, December 20, 2006

Winding up for the year @ Work !

Nothing feels great than to have a very positive value adding result to the last design meeting of the year. There has to be a logical explanation to everything in software, you just cant wipe your hands off the problems and what else would be a better note to end the year than cracking a serious problem that the team has been sitting over for long time now, that you know for sure is gonna be appreciated. Its time for celebrations every where and the client goes on a vacation starting tomorrow, so its decided to be a party time tomorrow afternoon for the team which has been longing to go out now. And I couldnt be in a better mood than this after what I heard during the lunch.(see my previous post).

BTW, I picked up twobooks from the library this morning - "The three of Us" by Abha Daweswar and "Through Krishna's Eyes" by Sunny Singh. I read "That Summer in Paris" by former author and I liked the language, that I went and picked it up. Hope its interesting too.

Fun @ Las Vegas

Ah, the little bunny is going on a trip with his mom. Infact all of my family except me is travelling this christmas to Las Vegas, Disneyland and Grand Canyon. Wish I was there too.....


On a contemplative note, Why do people talk behind your back and try to justify themselves putting you in the dark? And particularly to a person who is not worth anything between the two of you? Whats the point in opening and staring at the skeletons in the closet?

Saturday, December 16, 2006

Want !

No matter whatever your relationship is with your parents - love bound or duty bound or both, you will surely miss them when they are away.

Monday, December 11, 2006

Second Chance.


Today, I wish Life had one second chance except that this time, I know what to change.

To all who have read and commented so far, thanks a lot. You can always reach me at
nchantedmind(at)yahoo(dot)com.

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

What do you do?


What do you do when you send a SMS to the wrong person. Sometimes, it happens that someone is in your thoughts moments before you are writing the SMS, say for example, you are pre occcupied in your own thoughts in a meeting and suddenly remember that you have to send a SMS and then you send it to the person not intended for? I feel very embarrassed and it has happend quite a few times with me....and it keeps repeating and I have no clue how to prevent it.....

What do you do when someone who means a lot and who's close to you in being ill spoken of in front of you, and particularly by people who's close to them? Do you go and tell your friend? or you dont?

What do you do when your friend does not respond properly, ignores you and tries to avoid you? Do you try all things to seek the reason? or you dont?

Tuesday, December 05, 2006

A Symbol from my travel.

Am an enthusiast of symbology (No, nothing to do with The Da Vinci Code, this dates back early from my childhood). The symbols of various culture, religion have always captured my interest. Its my personal belief that digging deep into all religions will associate atleast a couple of common symbols like for example, the Star of David. Various manifestations of this symbol can be found in different religions. Who knows, may be thats the path to knowing more about human origin. And every symbol is always symmetrical on a certain axis for sure and symbols I guess are the highest form of understanding of the creation and functioning of the universe. Religions closely related to the Vedic culture like Hinduism, Buddhism - well, I dont have to say anything about their knowledge and abundance of symbols. Every time, I visit a Hindu temple or buddhist monastery, I'm impressed with their colours and architecture. Most of the time, I do not understand anything about it. But I like them. So is the attached snap. It was taken at Buddhist Monastery, Manali town. This symbol was painted on the part of the main door of the Monastery. Look at the symmetry of the figure and I feel that there must be some meaning to this. Can anyone decipher it for me? ;-)

Monday, December 04, 2006

End of a sojourn !

Back from the vacation and yes am in more than a mood to work. Feels so good to be so focussed, thanks to the feel-good vacation. It was a nice trip laden with moments of wonder, moments of joy, moments of enthusiasm, moments of cheer, moments of silence, moments of astonishment, moments of peace and moments of loneliness. Took a lot of notes that I can edit a good travelogue and may be try to weave stories, but am short of time for it right now. In a jist, these are some of the things ....

  • Meeting up with a good friend.
  • A punjabi get together at my yesteryear idol - KapilDev's restaurant.
  • A peaceful sunset high up the hills.
  • A calm walk in the gardens of chandigarh followed by an evening tea.
  • Mouth watering punjabi special sweets and loads of punjabi food. The best Aloo-pyas Parantha..., one of the best tuty-fruity sundaes I have ever had....
  • Cinema, Shopping, shopping and more shopping...
  • A ghostly encounter in the wee hours of a cold morning
  • Acquintance to the majestic mountains - I'm sure to visit them again soon.
  • Feeling of spiritual belonging to the world.
  • The touch of the snow high above the hills, sharing stories with a villager who trekked along with his one feet (actually faster than me).
  • A trek to catch a glimpse of naturally formed temple and one more crossing a mountain just for the heck of it.
  • Tasting the local mountain cuisine and feel the life of a mountain folk.
  • A taste of pilgrimage @ manikaran - servicing for a bowl of food (trust me the food tastes heavenly after the service)
  • Driving along the river high on the mountain tracks...
  • Moments of artistic liking at Roerich Society, long talk with a fellow traveller from France, looking at his notes of a month travel in India.
  • Long tiring journey to Amritsar to be greeted by hisorical places, Jalianwala bagh, Golden Temple and Wagah border (border retreat ceremony)
  • Driving a local auto rick through the vast lands of punjab's crop fields.
  • Moments of sadness in the city of Delhi - the striking poverty and dirt.




Well, these are just the few of many things that happened through the 9 day sojourn. A everyday list of things would take a whole lot of writing to do , but thats for later...

Thursday, November 23, 2006

Hurray !

It looks very nice, sexy yet comfortable for a daily outfit. I'm just talking about a pair of jeans and a small t-shirt on a girl. When its killer abs that the girl has, well, I just cant help myself give a second look. And that exactly is the idea of it, giving a sneak peek. Whats the whole point in pulling off the shirt every 2 minutes making sure it covers everything. Cmon, if its so uncomfortable, why wear it in the first place. It is not designed to cover you upto your knees. Thats such a turn off !

Anyways, girls apart, its time for a travel again - but this time to the North of India, meeting up with a friend for a couple of days and then going on my way to the majestic Himalayas. Its a nine day vacation backpacking all alone and I hope to have interesting experiences to share when I come back. I know it wouldnt give me enough of time to explore the Himalayas, but am looking at making myself familiar with the Majestic mountains for my trips to follow in the next couple of years, hopefully. Mes planning to have a skiing lesson for a couple of days and explore the place around Manali and nothing more. No emails , no work and its just about fun time !

Monday, November 20, 2006

Pride of India

The pride of India or so they are called. It is our national animal and this is what we do to them
http://60minutes.yahoo.com/segment/19/tigers
:-(
Its my fav animal. Its such a feast to watch the Big brother of a Cat in all its glory. Its stare is so powerful that it can send shivers down your spine and the roar - so majestic and authoritative.
I still remember vividly the one and only time when we saw a tiger in the wild crossing the road between two jeeps, the headlight on one directly focussed on it. We were so awed and that one instant, the adrenalin that rushed through us giving us that once-in-a-lifetime experience can never be explained. My friend who was holding my arms dug deep into my hand unable to supress the tension and excitement that I felt in my hand for a couple of days. But that moment, that we shared was one of the most memorable ever.

Thursday, November 16, 2006

:-( Dull Friday


I'm late, I'm sad, am upset and am feeling amiss.....I dont want to work today and neither am I able to focus...No, not that its a Friday and am going home after a long time, (the days of going home every weekend to meet the special someone are all over) .....Its just that I'm not feeling good about my new friend..... This morning I was waiting for my cereal porridge to cool down and watching TV. I was already late..... Thats when I saw this little friend come in and searching for the biscuit in the usual place. I was amused and went to the kitchen with a biscuit to keep it on the window sill. And he was running arnd the kitchen lofts searching for something. I have all the cardboard covers of microwave, fridge on the lofts.....I thght he probably was trying to find a hide out for himself and I decided to see if he can take the biscuits from my hand today. We have gotten close , but not close enough....And I waited waited and waited and he never turned up.....I left the biscuit in the usual place and until I left, it was not touched....Wonder where the little fellow is....

Monday, November 13, 2006

A new Friendship !


I have been having his/her company for a long time now. I was indeed discussing about it with my friends who had dropped in at home yesterday. For my sake, lets call him a "He".
The first time I saw him was when he was nibbling at a left over biscuit in my kitchen. He belongs to the family of squirrels but I guess hes quite intelligent and found his way to my kitchen to get some easy food. And since then he has been a regular visitor. Since the day I met him, I have been leaving a biscuit for him everyday. However, the little bugger is too cautious when it comes to my presence. However friendly I try to be, he does not want intruders. Oh well, I wanted to tell him, he is the one who actually intruded my kitchen....However, everything is forgivable in a Friendship. Occasionally, he would come and take a peek at my bedroom, when I wld be working on my laptop or reading a book stretched on my bed. Last afternoon, in fact he had a heavy food I guess - my friend had made potato fry and he was nibbling at it more than once as we saw.

I woke up late this morning and went in to brew a cup of coffee. I was just sipping some coffee standing near the window when this new friend actually dropped in and went searching for something to eat. Guess he had become hungry early in the morning. I stood still not wanting to disturb him. I did not want to disappoint him. So, I moved to pick a couple of biscuit and he ran away and peeked from his entrance to my kitchen. I took out a biscuit and placed in the usual place and moved away a little. He gave a couple of nods and then came in and had it oblivious of me standing there. I did not want to miss the chance of making friendship and stood there until he left....It actually takes weeks and sometimes months to gain the trust and confidence of these lovely friends....I dont think humans are any different too !

Tuesday, November 07, 2006

Nice Read

These lines caught my attention today !

Perhaps, love is the process of my leading you gently back to yourself. Not whom I want you to be, but to who you are.

Only I know how much I can relate to this one above !

Monday, November 06, 2006

Conquering Soma Male




He came, and then,
He Conquered !

A two day sojourn is all it takes to rejunevate your body and soul !

Friday, November 03, 2006

Have you really loved a woman?



Sometimes, in life, you cant say the things you want, to the people you want, at the time you want. Mysterious are the ways of time ! I wish you had understood !

Thursday, November 02, 2006

This is my India !



Taken With N70 mobile on Hosur Road, Bangalore on the way to MG Road dated Nov 1 2006.

Monday, October 30, 2006

Pained !



Pain was not when you said
"Sorry, I messed up"
It was not when you said
"I cant love you anymore"
It surely was not when you said
"I'm happy with someone else"
But it tore me apart when you said
"I never thought you loved me"

Powershot S3IS

Purchased a Canon Powershot S3IS after heavy research and temptations to move into the Digital SLR stuff. It belongs to a cross category of D DSLRs and digital cameras. A sample picture taken by my friend below. Am impressed with the camera and the clarity and options of the camera. Lots to learn and so expect more trials on this camera soon...And ofcourse am looking forward for my skiing trip (hopefully) late this month and Pune trip next week. Time to update me picture blog I guess !



This picture is so damn cool. Refreshed and ready for a long journey ahead ! I always believe its the eyes that are artistic - its what they see, its nothing to do with the camera, nor the materials - they are just tools to give it a life and this picture is worth a thousand words !

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

After a long time

I love to drive and given any day, any time, I can get behind the wheels. Its so good to have someone else get behind the wheels for a change. Its always been that I drive everywhere, mostly ppl do not know to drive the car or are afraid or that I do not have the confidence. But this time around, I was comfortable in giving the wheels to someone else and relax completely not worrying abt if it will be safe. Gosh, what a sigh of relief finally.

Happened to attend a session on Wildlife Photography. Wealth of information, a good three hours of thoughts on something thats so close to my heart- nature and some amazing stories of horror and experience - it was time well spent. The session brought out a discussion on the politics and economics in preserving a species and forest. It was observed how difficult it is to convince the policy makers and implementors to allocate fund towards wildlife, particularly when you have to justify allocation of funds in third world countries like India where there are billions of people not getting enough of food to live. I wonder how short sighted and selfish we humans are always. As a species, I think we have done well enough to emerge as the most dominant, however in the process, we have messed it all up. An ecological balance is absolutely mandatory for the survival of our species. But we wont see it, we will stay blind to the perils of perishing ecology and species and try to channelise all the funds to the most arrogant and rampant of all the species ever created.

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

If tomorrow never comes...

If tomorrow never comes ...

Monday, October 09, 2006

Memoirs

It was one of those old Tshirts that you dont get away with. But it had too many memories attached to it and infact my friend used to ask me "Dont you have anything else to wear?" How would she know its for those memories with her I used to wear them. Feels like the person is right next to you all the time.
Today, I was in no mood to get to work. Thanks to the drinks after a long long time. A close look at my shirts told me that I gotto press my shirts and there I was already trying to beat the "Monday Morning Blues" and particularly after an one day weekend. So, pulling out a Tshirt, I found this one in my hand. With a smile, I wore them and I was slightly intrigued when a collegue of mine noted it especially.

C - "Have you ever worn this before to office?"
Me - "No, Its a personal favourite of mine, the ones you dont throw it off generally. I like the way it hugs me, fits me and reminds me."
C - "hmm...true...know what, its kinda looking very good on ya. Someone got it for you?"
Me - "Thanks. Nope. But I have pleasant memories attached to it."
C - "Its like one of those shirts which kinda makes a statement....hmm ..like a personality statement. Accentuates and gives a real good feel to you."
Me - "Thanks".

Pretty amusing how a small thing can actually render a warm smile on your face !

Currently listening to "Sexy Back" Justin Timberlake.

Thursday, October 05, 2006

Celebrations!

Three good news in a row on a day - now that surely calls for opening moi favourite bottle of Wine tonight !!!

With celebrations in mind, here is an old entry from the personal diary of mine !

Sanguinity

He walked silently around the idol and sat in a corner leaning against a pillar in the temple. He does not believe in visiting temples particularly at the time of despair. He did not believe in asking alms from the god. He was always grateful for what was given to him. Yet, this afternoon, he found himself sitting in a corner in the temple. He just wanted some peace and he always found it there. He was in deep thoughts trying to find himself.
"You seem to be terribly bothered, son", he opened his eyes and looked at the side of the voice.

He saw an elderly man, his face serene and calm, with sharp clear eyes. He did not want to be disturbed and was provoked to shout at the man that it was none of his business but instead he said politely,

"Why? Would you give me a solution?"

The man smiled at him.

"No one can give you solutions; you have to find your own."

"Then why bother about intruding into other's problem"

"Probably you would realize that, by talking to others, you are not alone and your problem is not very uncommon."

"I know that there are people with tougher problems than mine. Please don't start off with it"

"I never mentioned that way, did I? All I said was you are probably not the only one with that problem."

"If, the solution is within me, as you said, why not just leave me alone to find it."

"Our mind in its emotional state is pretty awful machine. It will search for a solution but yet would not recognize the solution."

"Hmmmm"

"Our mind is influenced by perceived notions by the happenings that have lead to the suffering and with that influence, the solutions you find and act would many a times aggravate the situation."

"I think so. I have been trying to solve one misunderstanding and my actions have been leading to more and more misunderstanding." he said.

"Are you bothered over a relationship?" the man asked.

He was surprised. He raised his eyebrows and replied "How do you know?"

"There isn't much that a young man like you would worry so much about? It is only a relationship with a loved one that would put you into confused state with no clear solutions. For example, people like you would be able to face any difficulties and come out successfully yet, can breakdown over a relationship completely."

He sighed.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"I don't understand what love is?"

"It is an experience. Do not try to understand this. "



"Why does it hurt so much when the people you love want to move away? I understand the choice. I understand that I need to give people their space and I understand everyone lives by their choice and you need to respect them. But why this feeling of disappointment that makes you think you can undo everything."



"Because you are becoming a prisoner to your own expectation. You want the other person to love you the way you want to be loved. And not focusing on how you have shown your love to them. "

"Doesn't love necessitate expectations? Isn't approval and acceptance a need of all humans?"

"Love doesn't necessitate expectations. But we do."

"You are speaking of utopian love."

"I'm speaking about understanding love. Love does not place any expectations and is for giving and forgiving".

"That's what I'm trying to do. I understand her and her choices. I want to respect that and I want to see her happy but I still feel a void, the very thought of her not being my side bothers me, it even kills me."

"It is an illusion, my boy. An illusion that has been created by our own mind that is how one's love has to be expressed."

"What is love if both of us go our own way and live our own life?"

"Not necessary. It is how you want it to be. It can also be expressed in the choice you have to make. When one person feels the need to have their own space, what else can be a better way to show your love than letting them go?"

"Doesn't my wants and needs count at all?"

"It does as long as you both see the same things. But when you start thrusting your wants alone, you will strangle the very person you care for. Did you something of that sort?"

"Yes I did. I understood her, but probably could not stand the fact that I should be at a distance. I tried knowing everything about her and be next to her. In short, I was intruding into her space. Trying to do things that I know I should have done earlier but did not do. I was trying to do everything that I missed and wanted to do at a very short time that I know I'll be with her. I wanted to live a lifetime with her in a short period."

"And misunderstandings are bound to happen that way".

"I guess so, one lead to another and there are series of misunderstandings. And I feel sorry and repenting but I do not know how to solve this".

"Do you love her still?"

"Yes. I do."

"Then, let her be herself. Give time. Nothing beats destiny in the race of life and time. There is a whole lot of life ahead of you. Do not fight against destiny and neither cling onto anything too tight? Nature gives you a lot in life and expects you to give it back when it wants. If you do not, it forces you to give it back. And you cannot fight and win against it."

"I seem to suffer for whatever I did, or rather not do. If only I had expressed myself clearer and earlier, if only I had taken the right path, if only she had chosen to wait or at least chosen to talk, probably I wouldn't have lost her."

"If only you can redo, there could have been lot of things in life that you can change. But life is a one way. You cannot change whatever has happened. They happened because they were meant to happen. It happened to help you realize something. Did you ever introspect yourself to see why it had to happen?"
"I did and that is the reason I cry. There were so many things at my hands that I could have handled properly. Yet, I took things for granted. I took her for granted."
"And you realized now that you should never take anything or anyone for granted."
"Yes, but I didn't expect to learn it at the cost of someone I deeply love."
"Allow me to say this. But life teaches the most important lessons of your life at extreme situations. You should understand and learn from your suffering and not repeat it rather than brood over it. That way you would make sure your path ahead is better. But if you brood over something, then, you would only have tougher path ahead. The choice is yours."

"Have you ever thought? why is it that you are still in love when certain mistakes have been done by the other person too?"

"Yes. The more and more I introspect, the more and more I understand myself, understand us, and above all, understand her. And I feel all the more push to tell her that I understand everything better and it has in no way hindered my love. And neither do the mistakes committed nor the misunderstandings were meant to harm/hurt her as they seem to be."

"And you expect to come back to you, is it not?"
He sighed. " I dont know. I dont believe I'm in a position to expect or make choices anymore "



The man continued.

"Life is a journey and you find love in the way. But remember, it still is a journey. Want it or not, you have to complete the journey. There are at times, when you have to go alone even after finding your love. That is destiny's ways. But that should not really depreciate your love. If you truly love a person, you will understand their choices and it would return one day. Love thrives on good memories and diminishes on bad memories. Every happy moment is relived and the joy of love is experienced again. It should be the strength to move further in life and not to pull you back. It grows stronger as you grow older, but maybe not necessarily in the form that you might want it to happen. That's only your expectations and wants. You might have numerous expectations and wants that might not be fulfilled but are you worried so much about them? No, then why now? Remember, life is too short to be spent worrying. And your worries will affect the people you love and care about too, not letting them move ahead too? Is that you want? Love doesn't make you hurt or feel hurt. Love makes you feel happy for letting the other person go in search of their choices, how much ever it may make you feel bad. But you will feel happy in the end. Love likes to wait and observe life from a distance. But comes to support when needed. Love comes with a plenty of time. It never asks question nor expects an explanation. It just shares the happenings and be a support. True that your expectations and dreams today have been destroyed, but if you fail to acknowledge the blessings, the creation has bestowed upon you, you will regret it later. Enjoy the sun, enjoy the clouds, enjoy the morning melody of a cuckoo, enjoy the fresh breeze in your terrace, and there would be one time when you know you can share these moments again with the person you love and that day you will also be happy listening to what they have seen and done. And till then, enjoy your time and wait. Don't be in haste. Take life slow and think and act. Friends do not need explanations. When you truly care for someone, you don't look for faults, you don't look for answers, and you don't look for mistakes. Instead you fight the mistakes, you accept the faults, and overlook the excuses. Determine yourself how you want your love to manifest."

"Your words seem wise. But I do not know how difficult it is to implement.

The man continued. "At times, you do not know why certain things have to happen, it might even seem that there were no mistakes and you were good and bad things happen to you, but allow me to quote Rainer Maria Rilke at those times...have patience with everything that remains unsolved in your heart. Try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books written in foreign language. Do not now look for the answers. They cannot now be given to you because you could not live them. It is a question of experiencing everything. At present, you need to live the question. Perhaps you will gradually, without even noticing it, find yourself experiencing the answers some distant day."

He was listening in silence. He felt good, a lot better and a smile emerged from his lips as acknowledgement.
"Thank you. I feel light and clearer in my mind."
"Though it is easier said than done, try to do it and you will be happy. It is a lesson I have learnt from my life."
He kneeled down to get the man's blessings.
"Young man. My blessings are always with you."

Friday, September 29, 2006

Mask !

It was one of the most tiring days oflate. There are simply few items that you cannot delegate and even if you want to delegate and have the confidence in your guys, the client doesnt want to. These are critical and no one wants to take the risk. Whoever said, "Life is the greatest RISK", apparently is not a Software guy I'm sure. By the time I drove down on that stupid traffic ridden road, (can you believe you are held in traffic at 22:45 hours) and reached home, I needed a really warm bath and something to relax...The best way - catch up with a fav movie of mine ....I filled a big bowl of Salad, ( plain the Indian way - no fancy dressings), a tall glass of chilled Vegetable juice and perched onto the Bean Bag watching "The Mask" - a movie I can watch over and over, an all time fav of mine. *sigh* If there is one role I wld love to perform, it would be that.....only thing that was missing was the feel of someone seeking the comfort of your shoulder ! Ah ! How I wish I had the mask to myself !

Current Music : Avril Lavigne - Complicated

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

Rhythm

Have you ever had some lines reminding you some place, some one when u r listening to a song?

I was listening to Rhythm while driving this morning (and since then I have been humming this song like crazy....) and the following lines reminded me of my trip with a friend of mine when I happened to get drenched myself in the flowing waters of a dam amidst a nice rainfall and thats exactly where I had spotted double rainbow. It was a day to remember !!!

October Mathathil, anthi Mazhai vanathil, vaanavilai rasithuirunthen
antha nerathil yaarumillai, Thoorathil ival mattum, vaanavilai rasika vanthal


The rhythm of life is mysterious, intriguing, interesting and captivating as well.

Sunday, September 24, 2006

Music for the ears !

I like to work in silence when I'm completely concentrating, which most of the time is not feasible bcos working as a consultant is to be disturbed. However, "Busy Hours" notification does help, though I very rarely use them lest they lose their significance.

Otherwise, I would like to have soothing music being played on while I work. And if there is something that I lacked, it was nice ear phones thats soft on your ears and a whole load of nice music. I just got myself equipped with loads and loads of Kenny G and Enigma and a nice integrated Ear phones/ Mic from HP. Boy, work is nice and engaging after a painful / irritating start to the day to see someone screwing up your bike engine completely when you were away for a day. Wish people knew not to take advantage of others and understood niceness is not weakness.

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

Dusted from the Drive...

The Confrontation

He parked his car in the parking lot facing the beach. The ride had been unusually silent. ‘She is not her usual self’, he thought. ‘I must talk it out today’, she decided. He did not say a word. They got down and walked towards the water. They had always liked their evenings together at the beach. They walked close. He put his hands around her. She snuggled up to him. They went and sat down, the salty moisture laden breeze settling down on their lips. She leaned on him.

"What’s bothering you?" he asked.
"I'm sorry", she said.
He remained silent.
"Won’t you ask what for?"
"Does that make any difference?"
"Yes it does. I acknowledge the fact that I hurt you and I'm sorry for it. I'm sorry for what happened in the party that night. I shouldn’t have hurt you like that."
"Let’s forget it."
"Aren’t you trying to avoid confronting your own emotions?" she searched for an answer in his eyes. Instead she found an amusement completely belying her expectations from what she sought to seek in his eyes.
"Are you ready to handle such a thing?" he asked her back. Of all the things, this is not what she had expected to hear. She should have expected this, unassuming and mysterious as always, she told herself.
"Why not? Isn’t it what people do?" she looked up at him hoping a positive answer.
"Do you really understand? That by confronting the feelings when you are unsure of it yourself means you will hurt yourself and by that, hurt me! Do you really want to do this?” he thought and looked back intently, letting his eyes do the speaking.
He knew she was unrelenting
"May be" he said and looked into the direction of the waves.

She leaned on his shoulder, her head seeking the comfort of his shoulders. He put his arms around her and pushed the hair falling in front of her face. Her face glowed in that moonlight while the streaks of her soft hair danced to the tunes of the wind. ‘You are angelic’ he thought.
"Why do you give me such a feeling? I wish I don’t have to go through the kind of feelings I go through." She pulled herself away and turned to face him.
There he was looking at her as ignorant as a kid with no traces of any disturbance and still drowned in her eyes.
He chuckled and asked "What feelings?"
"I want to understand what I’m to you. I don’t like the twin emotions of love and hate towards you".
"Hmmm"
"I want to spend all my time with you, talk all things, every minute, I think of you and love you. The weekend you do not come home, I feel lonely. I want to come over to you at those times. I just need your hug, the comfort of your shoulders. I feel you know lot more about me than I even tell you and I want to know everything about you. But I have this nagging feeling at times that I do not know you, that I mean nothing to you, that you care a damn for me, that you have zilch feelings of what I have for you, that you ignore me, that you deliberately are staying away from me and when I have this feeling, I hate you for what you do to me. Why do you do this to me?" she looked questioningly into his eyes.
He looked thoughtful. His smile vanished.
"Isn’t that the reason you kissed the other guy in the party that night?" There was pain in his eyes.
"I'm sorry. I wanted to make you jealous...."
"..hoping I would get angry and accept that you mean a lot more to me" he cut her.
She remained silent.
He caressed and set the hair flowing across her face.
"Do you want an honest answer?"
"Of course I do"
"You scare me".
"What?" She looked at him in disbelief.
"I'm scared and one reason is you" he repeated very softly.
"You are rushing things too fast and that scares me. I want us to take time, be friends, but you do not seem to want that. You are rushing into the relationship too fast and I'm scared of hurting you, I’m scared of losing you"
"Don’t you feel comfortable with me?"
"Infact, I feel a kind of comfort I have never felt with anyone and that precisely is the reason for my apprehension. I want to give us time and take it easy. We started to talk and let me admit that you mean a whole lot than you think you mean to me. But I would like you to understand what you want"
She smiled.
"But you never say anything about you to me. We talk more when in a group than we are together."
"Learn to listen to the silence", he winked and continued "Seriously, how do I say when everything about me seems just exactly what you want. You scare me when everything for you revolves around me, when you make me feel like I'm infallible, that there is no life beyond me. You scare me even more when you try to change yourself to suit every mood of me, when you want everything that I want. I want you to understand that I have my own shortcomings too. I want to sit with you, talk to you for hours about us, about our past, and listen to our stories of childhood, our crushes, our mistakes, our dreams and our fears. I want you to understand what I mean to you, the real you.
"Hmmm" she listened.
"The way you take this relationship makes me feel it is too good to be true. It feels great to get all the attention a girl can possibly give. It is a feeling of intoxication and it makes me wonder sometimes that you do all this just out of an infatuation and when it all fades, you would be gone. I have a nagging feeling that this is not the real you. And that you are trying to be everything that may interest me. I would like our relationship to be defined by friendship and love, not desire. And that precisely stops me from being anything more than a normal friend. It makes me create a wall around me. We share a friendship that is so very different for both of us. I want us to give that friendship the time and respect it needs"
“I understand".
He smiled. "I really hope you do".
She smiled.
"There are lots of things you do not know about me and there are a lot of things that I know about you that you have not told me yet. It makes me feel you do not trust me enough. And I believe if there is one thing that can create that kind of a trust, it’s only a friendship. I just want you to be yourself. You entered my life at a point when I needed that one friend. I'm scared I will lose her. That I will hurt you by leading you onto something that I'm not prepared to give as of yet. And reasons are plenty behind it. Today, I'm not sure if you would be able to understand them and wait. Honestly, if you ask me today, I would only say, I would prefer to be a friend for life than a lover for a while. You are too precious for me to lose. And that my dear, is how much you mean to me. I like you to be what you are."
She leaned on his shoulders. His hands went around her to give a comfort hug, the one in which she always felt secure.

Monday, September 04, 2006

Exhibits

With lotsa celebrations at work this whole week (its truly festive atmosphere with Onam bringing all the girls in sarees and many guys in their dhotis today), theres lotsa events being organised....Everyone is allowed to submit ONLY one of their best shots. Though I do have experiemented and liked some of the shots I have taken, I have picked a couple of them of which I havent decided which one to submit. Please pass down your preferences and yes may be a title too ;-)

The most riskiest of all the pics I have taken so far, on the curvy hill roads of Coonoor hanging from the railings of a speeding van with one hand and clicking the road ahead with the other ;-)

A very very favourite of mine when we walked up the hills in Coorg to catch the breath taking day break - well, from above the clouds - literally. As it dawned, the clouds gave way for the mountains beneath to show up.

Taken early in the morning at Tiruvanmiyur beach when an over enthu group of friends decided to do some one-day-fat-reducing exercise ;-). I feel very positive when I look at this pic.

A post-card pic . Nothing to say about it. Taken at Algonquin Provinical Park, Canada during the fall of 2003.

Surely one of my best shots in clicking people and moods. Taken on the same day early in the morning at Tiruvanmiyur beach. Loved clicking it, and can weave a poetry out of this !

BTW, I have another address too : its http://bim-bam.blogspot.com

Sunday, September 03, 2006

Truly enchanted


Sometimes in life you may never know if you have lost certain things - because you may have never been sure if they were yours in the first place. However, in the myriad of emotions that you pass through, you learn to accept your losses, you learn to live with it and love it for what it all means, meant and will mean to you. When you learn that, you realize how beautiful the once so barren path has blossomed into a beautiful world of its own. Each day thereafter becomes enchanted. The lost dreams find a new meaning. New perspectives, new thoughts. The memories that you tried running away from, become the most pleasurable and pleasant ones you start your day with. It brings a smile in what ever you do. They start living in every little thing you do in life, right from tying the shoe laces to taking that yearly vacation.

P.S
Written when I was reminded of something pleasant while tying my shoe laces this morning., a shoe I had not been using for a long time.

Excitement


You know things are gonna be pretty much good when you start your week, all dressed in black & black formals, your work has been hindered by scheduled maintenance and have pretty much nothing to do, when you have your considerably revised pay scale waiting to be disbursed, when you have a new job offer that you may want to contemplate taking and when you have lotsa travel plans on the cards.

Things are just the way it should be...

Music : Belly Dancer
Pic Courtesy: Myjanee.com

Tuesday, August 29, 2006

Tear Drop



Quite a long time since I came across a forward that I really liked. Its beautiful.

Sky: I could not hold
Hold anymore
I wanted not to
But I let u go..

Rain: I knew I must go
Unnerve will be mine
Yet, I still remained
Remained as a dream..

Sky: My heart burst
Burst into tears
But u were gone
Gone far away..

Rain: Dear.. I deserved the earth
There I deserved to die
The moment I die
I still loved U more . . .


Pic Courtesy : Rain Drop Image
Text Courtesy: A forward.

Sunday, August 27, 2006

Love and Me

Isnt love nothing but all about





But hey wait..... Isnt me all about






Note:
Just a stray thought on seeing some pics of a forward.....

Current Music:
Buy me Love - The Beatles.

Thursday, August 24, 2006

Two steps behind

Walk away if you want to.
Its ok, if you need to.
Well, you can run, but you can never hide
From the shadow thats creepin up beside you.

whatever you do
Well, Ill be two steps behind you
wherever you go
And Ill be there to remind you
That it only takes a minute of your precious time
To turn around and Ill be two steps behind.

Kutti Helmet for a Kutti !!!

05082006041

Was amused at that small helmet on the kid the other day !!!

Just got my hand on That summer of Paris !!! The review of the book seems interesting and I hope it would be a good read !

Currently Listening to - Swear it all over again - WestLife !!

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

hmmmm

It was more than two hours of nice and entertaining performance - and all at a cost of what ? Rs 49/- Before I go onto tell about the play , a few things about the place where the event was organised.

Rangashankara was the realization of a persistent dream of a man who had immense passion for performing arts. Please do visit www.rangashankara.org

Well, I almost thought I would be late as I cldnt leave early from the office yet I made it in time for the play, ignoring the calls of my stomach which if you know to listen, you could hear it as a growling noise ;-) !!!


It was a palette of four plays in complete-the-story style. The actors enact the story and freeze it at one point. The audience collectively give their reactions and one of the climax is enacted on the spot by the actors. Its an interesting style of presentation.
And this was the first time, this group is staging in this style for public audience. They had earlier done it only for a certain select audience.

Each play was of a different language ,Kannada, English, Tamil and Hindi. However it was interspersed with lots of dialogues in english so that the audience do not have a problem in understanding.
They were Purple Roses, Ctrl+Alt+Del, ShanthiNilaya, Friend philosopher guide. And the second play was also presented in perspective theatre style where it is enacted in the perspective of one character where if that characters thinks the rest are clowns, they become clowns.

Well, I cldnt have asked for a better evening on a tuesday leave alone the fact that I had just an akki roti for dinner during the interval. For a moment, I wished for my friend to be there with me, but I guess I enjoy my outings any case these days, like I used to before. So here are the storylines for the four plays...Anyone wanna complete it and know how it was done finally?

1. Purple Roses
Set in the Zamindar Era, the story is narrated as a folk tale by a group of villagers. This is a story of a girl Rajini who is in love with Nagendra who goes to the city to make their dreams come true. Rajini in the meanwhile goes after money and gets married to a narcisist zamindar who illtreats her. The zamindar is lured by a visiting Englishman who promises him power, fame and fortune in return for serving him with his wife. Rajini gets a letter from NAgendra who comes back for her to meet her near the bridge at sunset which the Englishman reads and offers to take her to London with him relieved of all the problems. Finally, she meets him at the specified place when she is caught red handed by the Zamindar along with the Englishman. The story freezes here.

2. Ctrl+Alt+Del
A modern office story where three collegues (one, being the lead who steals others ideas as his own) are pitching for a high volume business. The night before the pitch, the power goes off suddenly and when it returns the files are deleted and the old chai wala tells them that the back ups of the compaign and the printouts in the studio are burnt. A thunder, a lightening and the studio burst. The gods are angry and the world is coming to an end he says. There is also the beautiful secretary who is accidentally hugged from behind during the power failure while the doer takes his friends help to hide it.

The story unfolds as an investigation from each ones perspectives....Starts with the perspective of One where its a mafia set up in lines of GodFather. Believe me ,that was awesome piece of enacting by the guys in the mafia role ;-). In the other, the characters become the historical kings and Narad, ( the best part when the secretary becomes meera bhai) . Each one seems to accuse the other, while one is angry at his ideas used by his boss, the other is angry that the boss and other guy are in a relationship and ignores him and the boss himself guilty of stealing ideas.

Well, audience had to decide whos the cuplrit who actually deleted the files and burnt the generator and why?

3. ShanthiNilaya
Set in the Bangalore of 1980s, its about a family where the woman of the family is a pain in the you-know-where, a silent husband, their daughter, poor and illtreated beautiful maid, an unruly, stupid and funny uncle, a driver, both of whom try their luck at the maid. With the head of the family also giving her glances occasionally. The daughter takes to the maid for everything, she teaches the maid and becomes a moral support to her. One fine day, the uncle finds a medical report in the kitchen which says the maid is pregnant. Three guys in the family, now, whos the culprit?

4. Friend Philosopher Guide.
Set in the env of a railway station, its a story of a tourist guide, his chai selling kaka and couple of awaras singing. It was made as a musical with those awaras playing the right music for the situations. They were brilliant. The guide meets Sapna, who has run away from the family and waits for a boy friend who never turns up. The guide sympthasises with the girl who doesnt speak, tries in vain to reach her boyfriend and puts her up in a hostel and then slowly they meet daily..The girls goes on to get a job and this guy becomes a marketing executive and just when he is ready to porpose the love for the girl, the boy friend calls him.
The story freezes there and the audience had to move the story forward ....

Trust me, we had a hearty laugh at the reactions and suggestions of the audience. try guessing the way the stories have to move forward....

BTW, to get the audience to a comfort level intially, we tried something where each one has to turn to their neighbours and try to guess which part of India they come from ....I had a young couple on my right and a senior citizen on my left. I was amused to find that none of us actually made a right choice the first time. The man on my left was a Kannadiga who had worked in Chennai for 10 years and the lady on my right was from chennai again, and settled in north for a long time and had moved to Bangalore. Was interesting and a simple exercise but so easy to break the ice....And I also observed before the start of the play, two guys seriously discussing how the pricing of the tickets were a wrong strategy and would not even help them in sustaining the auditorium and they were almost creating empirical relations to figure out what the right cost of the tickets would be. Well, mes not into work at such places, hehehe !!! I guess some people just cant get out of it.

A worthwhile evening in all !!!

Current Music : Nickelback - Faraway

Monday, August 21, 2006

Final Touches


Been a long time since I visited theatre and I hope to have my seat tomorrow evening. Wld be a welcome break to continue with the rest of this week ;-) !!!

Current Song - Real Love by Massari
Thanks to DV, I did not have a copy of this song at work ;-) and now I HAVE !!!yipee!

Thursday, August 17, 2006

Hooked onto

Check out the song on your right....thats one of the songs am hooked onto off late.....
I just loved that voice....nice video too.....

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

A simple hug.

 


Had ample amount of time this weekend to organize all the pics, I mean the memories, going throuh each one of it and reliving all of it.....(Incidentally my friend called me up just when I was browsing a special set of pics of our first trip together, is that what they call telepathy?).....The whole exercise started after getting a collage of my profile done by my friend......and thats when I browsed through the above pic....
It was taken at BelleVille Water Front Festival in the June 2003. I had just reported to work and I was watching a show there, when my eyes caught something that was happening away from the stage.....A simple little hug, that assured the kid of all the security in this world - well, that sight still remains as a vivid memory. Nothing beats the comfort of a warm hug ! 
Currently listening to : No promises by Shayne Ward
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Tuesday, August 15, 2006

Choice

You choose - either your past or your future - and you stick onto it. !

Monday, August 07, 2006

Vienetta for breakfast? Are you crazy?

You can crave for ice creams and chocolates. You can be crazy about them.
You might find them as quick alternatives to gain back the lost weight, but you just cant have Kajar Ka Halwa for dinner and Vienetta for breakfast.....AH, but aint I different?
So what do you do? Get back to working out!!! am just back from a rigorous work out and boy oh boy, it feels so damn good and especially after a wild wild weekend of partying which was
quite a different experience than I thought it would turn out to be.
On the other hand, its the business calls that are spoiling my health ...In a whole enthu of all the work and the opportunities ahead, I had taken too much on my bin and with the calls not there for a week, I'm just emptying everything and getting back to my schedules which would mean, I'm gonna be back strumming the strings with help again.

Mood: Excited
Song: Buttons

Wednesday, August 02, 2006

On a lovely rainy evening

After a hectic schedule and deliverables, today I was in the mood - thanks to the rain and the clouds here - to free up my time to do what I like - to browse randomly. But then, suddenly I opened up a directory on my machine that was a back up of my previous machine and documents. I was so surprised to find a whole list of documents that I had typed to a friend of mine - random thoughts, penned down feelings, strong emotions, and what not. I found my lips curving to form a smile. And thats when I know what this person meant and means to my life. Pretty ironical sometimes life is when you have to lie to the very last person on Earth to whom you would want to lie, a person with whom you can be yourself, no pretense, no manipulated thoughts and emotions.


I don't know why you're so far away
But I know that this much is true
We'll make it through
....

hmmmm...Life goes on as it always will. On the other side, I started to date again. People amuse me a lot, ok, no offense, they interest me a lot. And Gosh, isnt there any smart women in Blore, someone who knows to carry herself well, and who does not put up a pretense but capable of just being herself, who has her feet firmly on the ground yet is full of a woman? Or does it happen only to me? I'm just losing interest in any parties / date. All the recent dates have all been lousy and one of those days, I actually ended up having a lonely lunch. I rather would prefer a nice travel mate so that I dont end up feeling wasted like this with stupid bunch of people.

Monday, July 31, 2006

hmmmm

No one remains in the same state of mind all the time !!!

Sunday, July 23, 2006

Story of my life

Story of my life
Searching for the right
But it keeps avoiding me
Sorrow in my soul
cause it seems that wrong
really loves my company !!!

- Borrowed from Rihana (2006)

Friday, July 21, 2006

wow

Hola !!!
ITs been so long since I had been on blogger that it looks alien to me !
Ah, talk about changing times :-) yeah right changing times - yes, its been so long since I have been challenged so much at work.....
-
What I've felt
What I've known
Never shined through in what I've shown
Never be
Never see
Won't see what might have been
-

But connected 24*7 at any time anywhere, two laptops loaded with GBs and GBs of music, anytime internet, a Nokia N mobile - Oh baby thats Redefining Life !!!

With lotsa travel on the cards, theres so much to look forward to !

Monday, June 19, 2006

Exhiliriating Experience



I harldy expected to encounter what I would call an Exhiliriating Experience when I stepped out of my office this morning at 1:30 AM. Some important issues had kept me staying late at work and I knew I would be soaking wet before I reached home. Nevertheless, with a dampened spirit (I cldnt complete my work inspite of my efforts), I set out on my Black Dawn to ride through the roads of a even more dampened city.
As I came out of the office and caught up on the dark roads, I realised I'm in for a late night driving experience. I just love bikes - I love cars too but not as much as the bikes. And any day, I would prefer a bike ride than a car. And Boy Oh Bot, I love dirt bikes all the more. By jove, it was so damn difficult with the heavy drops spluttering across your helmet rendering you almost blind extracting the maximum of your concentration to see what is ahead in the road. And the big Boiler tanks on the 16/32 wheeled trucks were just plainly monstrous. I hit the hosur road only to catch up with a huge traffic Jam. Finding my way throug those trucks, four in a line was an experience in itself. Triumphant over beating all those lined up vehicles, I came to the front only to see a huge van turned upside down on the road with the vegetables making a slush in that rain. I cldnt drive anything more than 50kmph or I kept slow as the visibility was not more than a a couple of metres anyway. Turned around the madiwala only to see a cars stranded everywhere and the ones ahead of me was not risking the flowing river of water. Completely unassuming, I drove my vehicle thinking its probably for a short distance, but the water almost was waist high on my low seating Avenger. At one point I thought the engine would conk with the compelte engine and the silencer immersed in the water. But, it stayed through and came out of the water as majestically as any proud owner could hope for with not even a slightest of a sneeze. Boy, i've started to love the bike. When I reached home, I was dripping wet, yet felt as though the day had some meaning, something to achieve and something to hope for the next day !

Love and hate

"You are a blend of love and hate"
"I hate you more than anyone else"

- comments given to me by my best friends *sob sob* and quite often.

But intriguingly(Ah, isnt that adjective used at me too), I dont quite understand this contradictory nature of expression. Its very difficult for me to experience and relate to such twins of an emotion that are quite antagonistic in nature. I do not go through this twin kind of emotion. How can you when you really love a person and understand them? Or is it that the hatred is nothing but a different form of expressing one's own affection because you know that you can count on them to be honest and truthful to you which may be perceived as a source of weakness?

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

Fresh and lively !

A picture says a thousand words - they say !!

Some pictures make you feel a thousand emotions ! The firs time I saw this picture early in the morning on my mail, the feeling I got was so lively and awesome !!! Just felt so full of life and since then everytime I see it as my wall paper, I just feel all the more better !
Incidentally, it reminded me of my travel to meesapulimalai and coorg !

Mist

An awesome photograph - simple, and neat bringing the world I would rather like to be to my desk ! Kudos to the photographer !

Friday, June 09, 2006

Perfection

He had never spared himself in any issue. His first concern was to discover what error he had made; he did not search for any one's Fault but his own; it was of himself that he demanded perfection.
He always tried to understand and rationalise. He always forgave others because he understood and accomodated others in his thoughts. But within himself, he always tried to find reasons, not to hurt others with the knowledge but learn to understand how not to repeat the mistakes and to rectify those that can be rectified, and to leave behind those mistakes that had no place in his heart nor the mind.

Friday, May 26, 2006

The taste of the Coffee !

Took my team out to CCD here for some talk (no, nothing about work) and some coffee.....Had the drink of the day, and if I got it right, it was Devil's mind...Interestingly, it was presented with around 4-5 roasted coffee seeds....Now, I have had so many coffees, all types, but never had the coffee seeds straight. Now, it reminded me of this small grinding machine that we used to have at our granny's place. It was only during summer vacation, we used to go there and I used to hate it like hell, bcos I cant play Cricket and would miss my friends. However, one thing I was always interested was to grind those roasted coffee seeds in that manual machine to get the coffee powder. Though I did not have the habbit of coffee then, I used to get coffee made out of the powder I ground and have a filter coffee :-) !!!

Hhhmmmmm....small things remind us of the nice times and nice people we have had in our lives...BTW, it was nice to taste those coffee seeds :-) !!!


Is he a destroyer or a liberator?
Why does he have to fight his battle not against his enemies but the people who need him the most? Why does he have to fight the battle against his own woman?

from the front of Atlas Shrugged


Got my hand on Atlas Shrugged from a collegue friend of mine finally. , remember when my sis read it and strongly recommended years earlier.....With an early morning train travel, nothing wld give better company than this.

Thursday, May 25, 2006

Motivation

I REALLY NEED TO GET GOING, BUT JUST CAN'T SEEM TO GET MOTIVATED.............

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

...

Fight as hard as you may,
you dont fight with me
its a fight within yourself
Hurt as deep as you may
difference to me, it makes none.
Seek your peace in this hurt,
seek your comfort in this hate
Happy you will be only when I leave
as a lost soul and a lonely warrior
Oh yes, I guess its time to leave
to lead a life king size.
Enough of these struggles
so silly and baseless
making the days drag
so dull and hopeless
Nothing more I can do
and fewer are my intentions
to make you understand !

Plans

Am planning out for this festival....but wonder if I can make it, as my sis is leaving on the 1 st of June.....But that still gives me options to attend this festival.....Should be worth listening to the music filling the chilly winds of Himalayas.
Dhanaulti Rocks Music Festival

Unforgiving


"Only the strongest of the hearts can forgive the pain of being mistreated and seek the true freedom of spirit."


I had a tiff a little while ago with a friend of mine. And I'm happy I stood up for my emotions and showed it out. Probably if I hadnt done, I wldnt have forgiven myself. Neither would I have felt like a man. Forgiving someone, particularly those who mean a lot is fine, even though you may be unforgiven at times, but I guess, you cannot be untrue to yourself.

On a lighter note, do you need some EGO boost? That there could be your favourite stars who dress up the worst you can ever think of, and make you feel like GOD !!!
Yeppie, visit this Fug Yourself.
Curiously, the word fug, comes from "Fantastically Ugly" :-)

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

a nice read

By the way of http://crypticsouls.blogspot.com/

Resurgence

The beauty of life…
Keeps me going.
I feel so special even though I have been let down many a time.
I feel happy again.
I feel new again.


Hopeless and abhorrent
I felt like giving up on Life…
Something has changed it all.
I feel buoyant again.
I feel cherished again.

I want to once again taste this cup called life.
With an ardent loom.
With a zest to find my lost soul.

I love you…Life once again.

Presently consuming....

I love giving / receiving books as gifts. Somehow, this world of books fascinates me all the time. Shiv presented me with this How Opal Mehta Got Kissed, Got Wild, and Got A Life after I spoke about the review I read on The Hindu Literary.

Just started with this, but have been hearing way too many things about the author and the book. Particularly about the Plaigiarism. Too early to judge anything, I guess.

Monday, May 22, 2006

Blinded by love !

I do not understand why ppl in love lose their own self and rationale thinking. Everything is governed by their craving for the other person, their thoughts, their actions, their understanding, everything. They cant even see the simple truth or understand anything that friends and family tell them. Why should love necessitate a complete change in yourself...and how long will such a love even last? Until you are tired of being someone that you are not?

Sunday, May 21, 2006

The wall

I guess its easy to live within a wall or being the wall yourself ! Nothing actually matters then.....The walls only know to listen. They do not say anything back. They are not expected to. They are devoid of any emotions. They just need to be strong !!!

Thursday, May 18, 2006

Puzzled

I have been getting a lot of wishes from unknown people (from my own office) for a day that has not even dawned. Interestingly, out of the mails that I got, 75% were from girls. One such was the below mail. hmm...Thats quite a thing to say to a stranger :-)

Hi Happy Birthday

What does it take?

How long does it take to know the basic characteristics of a person? Most often, in my experience, the first observation says a plenty and coincidence or not, it has turned out to be right 99% of the times. And it is all the more pronounced in the case of men, for me.

The way life unfolds is quite intriguing and amusing and particularly in the recent times !

Monday, May 15, 2006

Bcos I only feel alive when I dream at night

Mez running short of dreams grrrrrr, something that I have never run short of :-))....Have been having these disturbed sleep with no dreams.....Am I becoming a insomniac???

Guess I need some meditation classes :-) !!!

Mood:
Marc Anthony - Dream at night !!!

True Lies

What do you do when someone gives excuses? To me, if someone does / do not do something that I expect is OK because, to each one, their own priorities and choices. I cant be angry at my own expectations, but false excuses irritates and hurts. And that shakes the very foundation of trust and any relationship I guess should be based on trust and honesty. If one doesnt trust the other to understand them better from their perspectives, or one doesnt believe in the other to appreciate their honest reason for not doing something the other expects them to do, then I guess, the relationship is strained. It needs some care and talk. I would rather have my friends talk up straight to my face than to give excuses and reasons.

Mind!

The mind is its own place, and in itself can make heaven of hell, a hell of heaven.
Milton, John

Thursday, May 11, 2006

Strings



It was beautiful what we had woven together with pearls of memories and dreams. You tore the string in a fit of rage and emotions. I'm trying to collect the broken pieces, the pearls that have disappeared in the mess of my mind, trying to string them back together. I know it is not perfect, but the marks of mistakes and hurt make it look all the more humane and beautiful.I did not expect you to stay back and help me with it. You are not to be blamed. You were always like that. But I never was angry. I always was there. But you failed to understand. One fine day, you came back, volunteered as a friend to stay by my side and string it together with me so that we can treasure whatever we had. We decided we will not lose them in the turn of events. It would be a new one, you said, a new string of friendship holding them together. I accepted. I notice, sometimes, you pretend to ignore, neglect and vent the bitterness in ways unconsciously. It makes me feel sad when you do that. What we hold is very fragile and it needs care, time and respect to treasure it. Do not break it.We dont have any more strings to replace.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
P.S
Oflate, I seem to relate songs to my words or some songs seem to infuse some words into me, like the one above !! Interesting.

One of the all time favourite song of mine. From an album that became a super duper Hit
Song - Boulevard of Broken Dreams - American Idiot by Green Day

I walk a lonely road
The only one that I have ever known
Don't know where it goes
But it's home to me and I walk alone

I walk this empty street
On the Boulevard of Broken Dreams
Where the city sleeps
and I'm the only one and I walk alone

I walk alone
I walk alone

I walk alone
I walk a...

My shadow's the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
'Til then I walk alone

Ah-ah, Ah-ah, Ah-ah, Aaah-ah,
Ah-ah, Ah-ah, Ah-ah

I'm walking down the line
That divides me somewhere in my mind
On the border line
Of the edge and where I walk alone

Read between the lines
What's fucked up and everything's alright
Check my vital signs
To know I'm still alive and I walk alone

I walk alone
I walk alone

I walk alone
I walk a...

My shadow's the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
'Til then I walk alone

Ah-ah, Ah-ah, Ah-ah, Aaah-ah
Ah-ah, Ah-ah

I walk alone
I walk a...

I walk this empty street
On the Boulevard of Broken Dreams
Where the city sleeps
And I'm the only one and I walk a...

My shadow's the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
'Til then I walk alone...

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

Back!

When things happen in your stride, life goes on smooth and everything is rosy. You are so enthusiastic about realizing the dreams and everything happens your way and seems like nothing CAN go wrong. Life, proves it otherwise, and makes you realise that it is not always a bed of roses, but a small thorn might be sticking out from somewhere among the roses and you turn around a little carelessly, you end up getting pierced. It was how it was. We were just happy. Everything was going great. I never planned anything between us. We just happened along the way. But it was very interesting and I loved every minute of ours. I was happy with her. Then one fine day, the very foundation shook up. It was like an magnanimous earthquake of 10 R on the scale. It was like a tsunami, that threatened to suck away everything into the oblivion. She had problems. I was ready to be by her side, always. But she had to go and away she was, for sometime.

I met her after around three days. I was so happy at meeting her again. I was restless without her by my side. Days dragged like never before and nights, silent and lonely. I should say I was excited, and happy for this one moment when she will be back again by my side. Imagine having someone who has always been on your side missing suddenly. It is void feeling, a feeling that you are left alone. I couldnt resist showing my excitement to everyone on the road. The autodriver gave me a strange look at my seemingly ever-smiling face. I finally met her. I held her close and gave a kiss. But something was strange. It never felt like this before. She was forlorn and distant. It was as though she belonged to someone else now. As a man, I would never want that feeling. I felt like a lot of things had changed over the last two days. Something warned me that I'm gonna lose it all. I have been through this before and I did not want it to happen again. I looked at her again. No, this is not what we were. This is not how we related to each other. This void, this nothingness, it pains me. All those happy memories forever etched in as those little group of letters as personal SMSes, that always brought a cheer upon my face whenever I was low, those numbers that I associated a face to, of friends, family and strangers alike, everything was lost in one single moment of madness when the engineer erased her memory. And I felt a pinch in my heart. Its all it is to life, a string of memories. To her nothing has changed , to me everything has changed. She still is the same cell phone, but with her, she has taken a whole lot of me. !!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I came upon this song and I was impressed with the beautifully penned lyrics. Perspectives, as I always love to say!

Song: Be Yourself - AudioSlave
Someone falls to pieces
Sleeping all alone
Someone kills the pain
Spinning in the silence
She finally drifts away
Someone gets excited
In a chapel yard
And catches a bouquet
Another lays a dozen
White roses on a grave

Yeahhh...

And to be yourself is all that you can do
Heyyyy...
To be yourself is all that you can do

Someone finds salvation in everyone
Another only pain
Someone tries to hide himself
Down inside himself he prays
Someone swears his true love
Until the end of time
Another runs away
Separate or united
Healthy or insane

And to be yourself is all that you can do
Yeahhh...
To be yourself is all that you can do
To be yourself is all that you can do
Heyyyy...
Be yourself is all that you can do

Even when you've paid enough
Been put upon or been held up
Every single memory of the good or bad
Faces of LUCK
Don't lose any sleep tonight
I'm sure everything will end up alright
You may win or lose
¨
But to be yourself is all that you can do
Yeahhh...
To be yourself is all that you can do

Ohhhh...
To be yourself is all that you can do, heeey...
To be yourself is all that you can do
To be yourself is all that you can--
Be yourself is all that you can--
Be yourself is all that you can do

Tuesday, May 09, 2006

Voila !

Dark clouds, chill winds, a breezy evening,
Those little drops gathering momentum as they hurry towards the dried earth
Their mingle - their splash emanating the fresh smell
the smell, no perfume has ever reproduced

Suddenly the entire lazy dull afternoon has turned into an cool evening !

Monday, May 08, 2006

Lesson for the day !

Never ever take up other's mistakes or blame upon yourself. You can accomodate the confusions, forgive the mistakes, but never hold yourself responsible !

Mood: Pissed off !

hmmm

I like to dress up....Why wouldnt anyone want to feel good in great clothes? but what pisses me off is when people keep asking you a hundred times in a day, "Whats up with ya? Ah! Something the matter". And when you are on your regular coffee break, surround and interrogate you !

Guys and gals - gimme a break ! (Do you hear me screaming that from the terrace of our building, Yes, I just DID *grin* ).

I like dressing up for occasions. Though you would probably find me in denim/cargos with T-shirts and sneakers most of the time, does not mean, I dont have any other items in my wardrobe. I just dont belong to the category who can get dressed up in complete formals and ride a bike in this polluted city and end up having a black colored lining on the cuffs and collar of my neatly pressed formal shirts. No, the jackets really dont help and especially, not in this scorching sun! And its interesting to see guys all tucked up in formal dress with ties et al and then driving a completely modified sports vehicle. No, nothing wrong ! But IDK, if I would do it. May be, may be not !

BTW, interestingly, when a relationship changes course and one is on a little emotional front, it helps to dress up neat and fine. Its all about the "feel good factor" that gives one, the needed confidence. So, why always ASSUME theres something happening when someone dresses up nicely, probably there could be something not happening too. Apparently, people are always optimistically assuming in these situations, isnt it?

Sunday, May 07, 2006

Those eyes !

eyes

a look into your eyes
calms my restless mind
a look into your soul
brings home the forgotten memories
a little hug, a little kiss
and I know the world is ours!

Thursday, May 04, 2006

Emotions !

Have you ever felt happy on seeing someone else very happy. And feel sad to see them hurt. When you know you cant do anything to stop them from getting hurt again and again. How could you be so happy for someone else even when you are not part of the fun? What is that makes you feel happy for the other or makes you feel sad and want to give all you can? Are emotions probably, not to be understood?

Wish you the best !

Would it be the start of a new beginning? of more happier days, of realizing the long forgotten hopes and dreams ! Would it be that much needed change?

Keeping my fingers crossed !

UPDATE:
My sis got her H1B visa stamped.....and am happy for her and mukil !!!
Its time to fly !!!

Tuesday, May 02, 2006

A speck?

Speck

This pic was taken last weekend on the ECR, coming back from a long drive and you bet I loved taking it.

I love flying. Sitting next to the window, looking at the night sky that is nothing but an envelope of blackness, of nothingness, and of everything. I have splurged on flight tickets only to feel this. When I look down from above, a couple of steps above from everything that is this world, the numerous lives that are lived and gone in a minute, when the whole world of yours is nothing but the flight and the feeling that your entire life is dependent on a couple of pilots and a few pieces of metal, welded together in the name of machine, it gives me goose bumps. Not just a goose bump, but the realisation that NOTHING REALLY MATTERS, all that matters is the minutes you are alive to enjoy the life. A look at the distant stars reminds me of places that exist beyond our knowledge, of lives that may exist, and the fact that we anything but a simple speck in the bigger scheme of things, who have this ignorant and stupid thought that WE ARE EVERYTHING.

Hope

Hope is a source of great strength and it also is the source of great weakness!

Happened to read this in the dairy of a friend (ofcourse with the permission). Ask me, I know how true it is !

Sunday, April 30, 2006

A second chance !!

He had not been a good son, or been a great husband. Neither had he lived as a responsible father nor a brother. But, when he lifted his grand child up, there was a twinkle in more than one pair of eyes. Is it that he probably wanted to live his life all over again, this time around making up for everything that is past?

Thursday, April 27, 2006

Lucky stars !!!

One friend said,
Is there any time you have been responsible? Always doing things at the nick of the time, running here and there. You are just a lazy bum! Look at your sister. Has she ever had problems with the tickets? You travel randomly. You never plan out.

Responsible. Gimme a break. I know I'm responsible when it matters. Agreed am not as responsible when it comes to me. Yes, am a lazy bum a lot of times but I have always done things on my own. When you actually do that, you'll know what it feels like to be a lazy bum. Its heaven ! and yes, my sister is more organised than me. I travel randomly and I like it that way. But when it matters, I can make the best of the tour plans too. Trust me on that please.

The other said,
You just are always lucky. You keep losing things all the time but you always get it back. But, not for once you learn that you are hopelessly careless.

Ha, I really wish I was as lucky. There are things I have misplaced in life that I still havent a clue on earth why I had to lose it. But, have learnt my lessons.

Anyways, whats the need for me to talk about this. I learnt these lessons last night.

1. Never leave your phone in the recharge point, even if its your own corporate and right behind the security desk and even if you are going for just a 15 mins dinner.
2. Because they are security guards does not mean they are certified for integrity.


Someone had flicked off my mobile that I left in the recharge point when I went to the cafeteria for dinner. I came back to see it absent. Would have made atleast 25 calls to my mobile and got rejected. At one point, I was standing next to the security table and making my calls. Thats when a security who claimed he had gone for his dinner came and when I wanted to meet the Security Admin in charge for the night, he takes a mobile from his pocket, claiming an employee(whose id he didnt get) had given it to him 10 mins earlier. Hardly a few secs back, I had called him and the phone was cut. He said, he didnt even realise the phone was missing. And there was only one missed call on my mobile!

Now, I'm a considerate person. I dont like hurting others especially those in the lower levels. We were pushed hard at one point in our life and I know what it feels like. But, that instance when my mobile was lost, I realised how important it was bcos, there were contacts like the recent part time job offer I got from a Children Magazine creator and a dance teacher. In a moment, I could have lost all that. It was not the money, it was more than that.

But again, I didnt want to create a big issue. The administrators had come and I left the job to them, telling the entire incident never accusing anyone (however, the other security guard kinda gave it) and left it for them to investigate and update me.

Cautiously Optimistic?

What do you call a person who weighs down his options and thinks of handling outcomes when the intended activity might not go his way? Pessimist/Optimist? Does thinking of possible turns make one a pessimist inspite of the fact, that after so much thought, he will still give it a try no matter what ! Is a person optimist only if they never believe in options unless you are faced with a situation.

This is a point of argument me and my friend always come up with ! My friend's argument is when you weigh down and think of alternatives, you never give your 100%. And I say that knowing where it might go wrong makes me feel sure you can get the job done 100%.

Wish!

I wish you had taken time
I wish you had given me a little more time
I wish you had not pushed me too hard
I wish I had not resisted anything
I wish we hadnt felt hurt
I wish you are a little less angry at me
I wish you acknowledge my respect of your choices
I wish you trust me a little more to make you happy
I wish you believe in me a little more to realize our dreams
I wish you try to understand my feelings
I wish I dont have to lose you
and I still wish all these to happen !

But now, its time to set it all aside because,
I cannot wish life to be immortal.

Wednesday, April 26, 2006

Can you hold on for a min, pls?

Sometimes, all you need in life just a wee bit of time. The little time to understand things and make a decision, thoughtfully yet firmly. The little decision to put your foot forward without turning back. The little decision which will make you give everything you can to it. I dont understand why people cant give others that little extra time they need. The whole life could be so very different then.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

On a completely different note, it was the nth time my phone rang - a call I never intended to pick up. I wasnt interested in fools-grab-it offers. I was busy at work. Irated, I picked up only to hear

"Sorry, sir, I'm R from C C. You picked up the phone huh? (what do you expect when my phone rings?) Your caller tune was very nice.(Thank you) So only I'm listening to it? People always have Kannada or Hindi or their regional song. This song is very different. What song is this sir?"

"huh!!!"

I never knew such problems could also exist.

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

Sweating out my A$$

I realised the effect of having a professional trainer. I have this great motivation to sculpt my body to the shape I want, ofcourse, I will remain the same height - you see one cant change that how much ever you want.

I joined this new gym/aerobics/yoga at work. No, I havent taken up the aerobics classes yet(well, you can find most of the smart girls @work around there, and tracks make them look so hot, just like our aerobics trainer.). At gym, we have a trainer who can create a personalised schedule. I generally work out on my own schedule that I have devised - but this time around, I decided to let the proto do the work and Boy, Oh Boy, I never stepped so much on the treadmill(I used to call it the dreadmill ever since I broke one of the machines) and never have I used the stretch balls so much. I somehow make sure I always do my floor exercises atleast thrice a week in some form or other, but never got the stretch I experienced with the right exercises taught to me now. Holy shit, am all so spiced up. Interestingly, my threshold was way higher than I ever imagined. 20 mins of treadmill did not tire me out and the stretches which ppl were trying hard to hold for 30 secs, even after a minute, I never felt any unbearable pain ! Now, he has told me that he would start more vigorous exercises, but I got to stick onto strengthening ones, as after my spine injury I had not taken anything serious.

Now, with swimming classes on, I'm gonna turn as black as a charcoal after 3-hrs of swimming a day in chennai in the chlorine water, but I'm sure my ab is gonna get back to what it should be !!! Reminds me, when I had planned to do all this with a friend of mine. Wish it happens. Ah, swimming was one thing in my list of new year resolution and I so so need it if I wanna scuba dive and snorkel without any fear very soon !!!

DV
You must move your dumb a$$ and start working out if you really wanna get those sugars out of your system !!! Hey its fun too ! Get up, shake it and get going!!

Monday, April 24, 2006

Whats your color?

I love green - the earthly green, the ocean green, the tender green of the leaves blossoming in the spring. It makes me feel full of life !

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You're green, the color of growth and vigor. Good-hearted and giving, you have a knack for finding and bringing out the best in people. Green is the most down-to-earth color in the spectrum — reliable and trustworthy. People know they can count on you to be around in times of need, since your concern for people is genuine and sincere. You take pride in being a good friend. For you, success is measured in terms of personal achievement and growth, not by status or position. Rare as emeralds, greens are wonderful, natural people. It truly is your color!

Take this test at Tickle


Your true color is Green!


What's Your True Color?

Brought to you by Tickle

Saturday, April 22, 2006

why?...

What does it take to throw of something that you have built slowly for years and walk away just like that. Can you really do something of that kind?

Is it possible to erase the memories completely? or do we just set it aside reminding us one fine day that life could have been different had we not chosen to set it aside?

What can make you hate someone so much? Why is it that I never find a reason to hate someone? Why do I like to think from others perspective and understand their actions? Is it the reason I find ways to appreciate their presence in my life?

Why is it that people find reasons to hate me? Why is it that I feel people never try to understand from my perspective and see what it feels like and understand me? Is it the reason they find ways to hate me?

Thursday, April 20, 2006

ASS-U-ME !!!

I boarded the KSRTC AC Volvo bus to Bangalore. Time was hardly 10:00 and the bus would start any time now.
The conductor who issued me the ticket was exceptionally nice, actually so nice to be true. I went in, put my laptop on the shelves above, and took my seat only to be surprised by the passengers whom I would be travelling with. I have been lucky atleast on three occasions so far whom I have ended up making friends with - girls to be precise. Now, here today, sitting next to me was a man, smelling completely of alcohol, (I think some people like to have a bottle of beer for perfume) who had removed his shirt and hung it on the front seat where two of his friends were seated similarly, showing off their what seemed like a vest that already seemed like left overs of a rat's dinner. On top of it, the guys had pushed back their seat and put their arms over their heads. Same did the guy sitting next to me scaring the two girls behind us. Now, thats quite a show that I couldnt put up with. Imagine sleeping under the arm pits of a stranger, a drunkard at that with four more in front of you. Yikes !!! The bus started and I realised that the back rows were empty. I went and took the last but one and switched on the light not to disturb others and to get a breathing space for myself from these stupid gentlemen. Cmon, I understand being down-to-eath et al, but there is something called an attitude flaw for the Indians. spit, pee and shit whereever you want, change dresses whereever you want , buses, trains everywhere. The other day, me and my friend had gone to this hotel in Adyar and there was this Marwari family. The kids wanted to pee. Know what the mother did, right next to the wash basin, where there is no hole watsoever to, she made the kid pee right there while just behind her there are these toilets. Thats what majority of Indians have for their attitude like the other big shot gentleman in breasted coat/suit driving a Honda City did by throwing off the cigaretter butt in the Airport Road and closed the windows to the comfort of his AC.

"Sir, this is the last stop. Can you please get down?" the conductor of the bus requested me.
I woke up and looked at the time. It was 4:14 AM. Thats a weird time to reach Bangalore. I know if I go home, I need to sleep which means I wont get up at the right time and it would be too early not to sleep and have a bad day.

I woke up. The girls behind me had already gone. Ah, there goes a chance of waking up to nice young girls caput. Dizzily, I woke up, and searched my laptop bag on the shelved above where I had left. I was shocked to see it absent. I looked around and found no sign of any baggage. First thought, those buggers - the drunken a$$..... looted it. Startled, I went to the conductor and said
"sir, the baggage is missing".

As I told, the conductor was too good to be true and he said
"Oh yeah, I took it and kept it safe because you were in deep sleep". Now, thanking my lucky stars, I took an auto back home.

On the way, I just thought to myself. Why did I doubt those guys. That was the first thought that came when I could not find my laptop. If someone thought about me like that, how hurting will it be? Or will I just show my fingers and go. How easy it is to form opinions - ASSUMPTIONS - the root cause for most of the problems in our life !!!